Friday, September 23, 2011

Happiness Addendum

One feeling I neglected to express in my previous post was happiness. Although I was feeling deep sadness and sorrow I almost felt guilty because I was still happy. The feelings coexisting confused me, but I came to a profound realization that although horrible things happen to us they don't have to change us. The love of God is abiding and deep and provides joy in our lives in spite of the adversities we face. I was still happy because my life was still amazing and is still amazing. I have an incredible husband, the best family I could ever ask for and an abiding testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Even though I still have moments of sorrow and I may still feel sad, I am full of joy. Whatever happens I know there is a greater plan and that provides peace and resilient joy. Life is good.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

That Feeling

Lately I've been really feeling like I need to write down some of the experiences and feelings I've had lately, so I dusted off the old journal and started to form my thoughts. As I was mulling over everything a very good friend called me and I found out she recently had a miscarriage too. I realized in that moment that if I had been more open about my experience I could have been there for her. She would have known that I understand and we could have talked about it sooner. I'm not a super secretive person, but I deal with things in a very personal way. I turn to my Heavenly Father first and those immedicately around me second. I talk about these things, but usually not on blogs or in groups of people. But I know that there is someone out there who is feeling how I still feel, and this is for you.

Last November I took my first pregnancy test and it was positive. After that twinge of shock wore off Aaron and I were excited, but almost immediately I started having issues. I had some spotting, but nothing too crazy. At what we thought was 8 weeks we went to our first appointment and met with a great nurse who relieved a lot of anxiety and ordered an ultrasound just to make sure everything was on track. I can't even begin to describe the roller coaster of emotions I went through the following weeks and beyond. That first ultrasound didn't go exactly as planned, but by the end we saw a little life and found a heartbeat. Our ultrasound tech was amazing too; she was such a tender mercy. Those appointments were followed by a rhogam shot, another ultrasound and ultimately a miscarriage. The people around me were great but I felt like no one really knew what exactly I felt, but now I know what it's like.

I know what it's like to cry in the bathroom stall at work because I started bleeding again and I knew something was wrong. I know what it's like to spend your first anniversary in a hotel bleeding and dreading the news I knew I was going to receive at the doctor the next day. I know what it's like to see the ultrasound and realize that everything's falling apart. I know what it's like to pass impossibly large clots and not want to leave the bathroom because there's so much blood... to wish so much to stop bleeding and then weeks later hope so much I would start bleeding again. But on the other hand I also know how it feels to be pregnant.The joy of seeing that second line turn pink on the pregnancy test. The shock of realizing something real is growing inside of you.

I was only pregnancy for over 2 months, which isn't very long compared with the whole 9 most people go through, but it's significant to me. I know what it feels like to be nauseous all day and have to go pee what seems like every five minutes. I know what it's like to sit at work and the best I can do is hold my head up with my hands and stare at the cube wall (so I don't go blind from staring at the computer screen). I know what it's like to crash on the couch after work and never want to move again. I know what it's like to see the little smudge on the ultrasound screen and watch the little wave of the heartbeat line and marvel at the miracle inside me. Sometimes that has been the hardest part - to know what my pregnant friends and acquaintances are going through but not really be able to chat about it with them. To kind of be a part of this whole world of pregnancy and preparing for children, but not really be part of the club. Sometimes I kind of feel like I'm in limbo that way. I want to be supportive and relate my own experiences, but it's hard to know how to do that in a way that doesn't bring up all the sad feelings of losing a pregnancy so I usually don't. It's not that I don't want to share, it's just that I don't always know how. And sometimes it's still hard too. The emotion of the whole experience hits me at the most random times. It's still near to my heart, but if you ever need to talk about it I'm here. I may not know exactly what you're feeling or going through, but I know what it's like to have a miscarriage and I'm hear to listen and cry and love with you.